Anger, Healing, and Transformation
I’ve been thinking a lot about transormation. What that looks like and how to come by it. I am more and more convinced that for me, the spiritual disciplines are a big piece of the puzzle, and I’m sure that I’ll address this again in future posts, but today I want to talk about healing. Real, permanent (yet ongoing) and radical healing. I believe that it is possible, and I believe that, at least for me, emotional healing from past junk is a really significant aspect of the transformation process.
For the first time in a while, I am being very proactive about healing. I’ve realized that I am just plain TIRED of my anxiety ridden perfectionism, tired of the cynism that creeps into my heart and before long into my conversation. I am tired of the sneaking suspicion that even when I am “calm” I am running at a higher level of stress than I am supposed to.
And I am tired of being angry. I am so tired of being angry. This is really where I am right now. Admitting to, owning, and addressing the anger. Trusting that God can handle it, that He can reconcile the injustices and heal my heart. It’s not easy.
It’s not easy because my issues are with the Church. There. It’s out there. I am mind numbingly, bitterly, vengefully angry with the Church.
Coming from my paradigm there are so many things wrong with the previous paragraph that I can’t even begin to unpack them all. I am a “good Christian girl.” I can not possibly hate. It is unthinkable for me to harbor revenge fantasies, and admitting to even questioning the Church, much less the seething anger I feel toward it, feels like betrayal. It’s like giving up the long protected secret hidden by one’s family.
The reality is that years and years of hurtful moments, words, and injustices by pastors and church leaders have led me to disillusionment, disdain, and a very deep mistrust. It has also led to vigilant self-protection and a struggle to allow God to invade and inhabit my life. It’s left me with a mess.
I understand why people turn their backs on the church, believing it is an institution focused on money, power, and control. I really, deep in my heart, get that. I even understand why they turn their backs on Jesus. Are these people not supposed to be his representatives in the world? His hands, His feet, His love? I am thankful that I have not come to this place…that God has somehow protected me from complete abandonment of my faith…but I understand.
So here I am facing this realization…facing the reality that these long held hurts really are affecting me…affecting my day to day interactions, my lack of a church community, and my relationship with God, and I’m done. I’m just done with this. I want healing. I’m asked God for and am expecting healing. I know it won’t be instantaneous, but I know with all my heart that it is coming. And this…this post…is part of the process.
He’s asked me to write it out. Don’t ask how, sometimes you just know, and I know that putting it all down, processing it piece by piece, and asking, no, expecting to hear from Him along the way, is part of my healing journey. So here I go. Sola Dei Gloria.
