Fitness Goal Accomplished
Today I finished Phase I of my weight loss plan. Phase I has only one component: cardio. Exercise every day for at least 30 minutes. You don’t have to run a marathon or lift anything other than your butt off of the sofa, but you do have to instill in yourself the discipline of moving and raising your heart rate for a half an hour each day. It’s not going to win me any prizes, but I feel really really proud of myself for setting a small goal, sticking to it, and accomplishing it. Sunday is Easter, and I will eat ham and have chocolate, and Monday I begin Phase II:Sugar detox and late night NOT eating. I did Phase I, and I will do Phase II. Yea me!
Stop the Sugar!
In exactly 13 days I will be giving up sugar. Not cutting down or using it in contnrolled situations, but white knuckle, cold turkey, giving it up completely for 30 days, and truth be told, I am the tiniest bit panicked about the prospect. It’s the next phase of my “Never Say Diet” fitness and nutrition program and in all honesty, it didn’t sound bad at the time I decided to commit to this plan. I had four weeks to talk myself into it. It was a month away. I would be fine. As D-Day looms nearer, however, I am realizing how resistant I am to the idea. Not only do I not want to give it up, I am actually a bit fearful of it…which if I am not mistaken, is a pretty clear sign of addiction. Yep, it’s true. I am a sugar addict. This means that I really need to end my love affair with the stuff. I am truly, honestly, really nervous.
I am very, very fearful of failure. I know I need to approach it like I have the exercise program…one day at a time (man if that doesn’t sound like an addict!), but ending the sugar feels a LOT more overwhelming than finding an hour in my day to work out. Silly? Perhaps, but a very accurate portrayal of my feelings. I know that God can give me the strength, I am just not sure that after a long day of teaching first graders that I will want it.
I am considering creating a non-food related reward system for myself. Two days sober, and then a reward of some kind (no idea what…I have expensive tastes and this could get out of hand quickly!), two more, reward, then three day increments, four, and then a week. It sounds like a behavior management plan for one of my students, and in reality, it kind of is, only I am the student. I really feel like I need to reinforce positive behavior in myself.
I really would welcome comments on this idea…if you think it’s completely juvenile, and have a better suggestion, I am completely open, and if you think this is a wise way to go, I would appreciate the encouragement. Also, if you have suggestions for little rewards for myself, they would be appreciated also.
Oh…I did 11:27 miles today at the gym! I know it should proably be more like 9, but the this fitness challenged girl, it was a victory! Yea me!
Losing
I found out about a week and a half ago that I have been cut from the Golden Apple competition. The news unceremoniously arrived in my mail box in the form of a very polite and direct letter. Thanks but no thanks.
The day I got the phone call that I was a semi-finalist, I literally burst in to tears standing in my principal’s office at school. I never thought I’d hear from the organization again, and now they were sending out a representative to meet me and watch me teach. It was thrilling and overwhelming and gratifying and wonderful. The woman came the next week and after spending about two hours with me, informed me that she was impressed. She was very encouraging and excited, and said that, although there were no guarantees, she would be recommending me as a finalist. The girl who didn’t think she had a shot actually believed she might have a prayer.
I really didn’t think it would matter if/when I got cut. I’d never planned to get this far, so why did it bother me? I literally sat in my garage and cried as I read the rejection letter…and then I cried to my friends on the phone, and cried to J later that night. It felt so silly…grieving over something that I never had…and then it hit me.
I have a lot of ugly memories associated with “losing.” It seems that my history is peppered with moments of competitive loss tied to times of grief. It sounds strange, but as I thought about what I felt was a pretty strong reaction to the end of the road for this award, it made a lot of sense.
My most significant memory of loss was not being accepted into the All-State choir in high school (after having made it the previous year). Not the end of the world. However, two weeks before, my father lost his job, we were in the midst of preparing to move (again), and a rather intense high school romance came to a screeching halt. All in the span of about a month. What did I react to? Not making the choir. Hmmm….
I’m all better now by the way (at least in reference to the G.A.) and I am thankful to have had the experience (doesn’t that sound like a plattitude?!)
Now I have to tackle my taxes…but that’s another subject for another day.
Tomato Soup for the Soul
During the holiday season, J and I ventured out of the suburbs and into the city to see the Christmas lights. It was crowded and crazy and cold, but a memorable experience nonetheless. He had made reservations at an Italian restaurant that was dubbed one of the best kept secrets in the city. I must say that had he not read the review and eaten there previously, I would never have given it a second glance. It was in the back corner of a highrise mall, and when I go out for a special occasion, the last place I want to end up is a mall…but….the food was FABULOUS. Seriously YUM, and it was very inexpensive. Like under $15 for appetizer, entree, dessert, and soda. I had a wonderful pasta, and he had baked spaghetti, which didn’t sound that great to me at the time, but WOW. He also had the most amazing basil tomato soup I’ve ever had in my life. Now I’m a girl who loves a good tomato anything, but this knocked my socks off.
Sadly, the week after we dined there, the restaurant closed.
So began my quest to recreate the tomato soup. I searched the net, and taking my cues from chefs who decidedly do not care about calories and fat content, I stirred up about six different prototypes. They were all good in their own way, but the final result is somethingthat I think is pretty fantastic. J and I eat dinner together probably twice, sometimes three times a week, and he asks for it at least once a week and wants me to make extra for lunches. Also, it’s literally become my default dinner. Don’t have anything else on hand? Don’t feel like cooking? You can throw this together, simmer for 20 min while toss together a salad and pop some garlic bread in the oven, stir in the cream at the end, and dinner is done.
My version isn’t fancy–it doesn’t even have onions and it’s made with canned tomatoes (fresh are a bit hard to come by in the Midwest this time of year!), but to me it’s the ultimate comfort food. Enjoy!
3T butter
1T crushed Garlic
1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes (I like San Marzano, D’Fratelli is great, but good old grocery store brand will work fine!
4T fresh chopped basil
2T Oregano
Freshly ground black pepper
1/8-1/4 t. cayenne pepper
Liberal salt
1 cup whole cream
Melt butter in saucepan over medium heat. Add garlic and reduce to low heat to brown.Pour in tomatoes. Salt and pepper liberally and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and add basil, oregano, and cayenne Do NOT add cream yet. Cover and simmer at very low heat for 20-30 min. Prep salads and garlic cheese bread while soup simmers. After 30 min, uncover and add cream. Stir well and increase heat to thoroughly heat cream. Be careful not to boil as the cream may curdle. Taste test and add more salt and pepper as needed. Ladle into bowls and top with ricotta or Italian cheese of your choice (Parmesan, Romano) and basil garnish.
Serve immediately. It’s better when it’s hot!
ENJOY!
Never Say Diet
I’ve been working out. Every day. For two weeks. My legs hurt.
I hate exercise. I wish I didn’t. I wish I woke up each morning and though “All right! I get to go to the gym today!” and did a little jig as I wiggled into my exercise bra, but that is NOT what happens. It’s still a struggle, but I do have to say that I think my attitude is better than in previous attempts at physical fitness.
I recently read a book that has given me a new and healthier perspective on fitness. Chantel Hobbs is a trainer and fitness expert who has written “Never Say Diet.” I was suspect of Mrs. Hobbs at first. Frankly, I have no interest in hearing about exercise and weight loss from a bleach blonde bombshell who was born with a deep passion for celery sticks and running 5k’s , but that is not her story. Okay, she is a blonde bombshell, but she used to weigh about 360 lbs, and lost over 200. This book is basically her story with practical applications for it to be replicated. It is realistic, doable, and healthy. She talks a lot about taking charge and making conscious decisions about your own health and fitness, nutrition and exercise, and explains in simple, practical terms the purpose behind her suggestions. It’s not an artistically rich book…beautiful sentences are visual imagery are non-existent…but it’s a great read for those who feel paralyzed in their fitness journey.
Basements
I listened to and read some really terrific things yesterday. They are excerpts from the book “Cold Tangerines” by Shauna Niequist, and they so resonated with me that as I listened, I sat and wept. I had previously heard the author in a radio interview, and my friend Jamie had recomended the book to me. I’ve yet to read it, but for some reason, those references made an impression on me and I made my way to her website. Reading this book is now a MUST. The words in this book are as if I had thought and written them myself…only far more eloquent. The rhythm of her words is a self aware stream of consciousness remiscent of Anne Lamott. I can’t wait to read the whole thing. There are three audio excerpts and three written chapters on her website. The one the blew me away was “Basements.” Click, listen, and know you are not alone.
Anger, Healing, and Transformation
I’ve been thinking a lot about transormation. What that looks like and how to come by it. I am more and more convinced that for me, the spiritual disciplines are a big piece of the puzzle, and I’m sure that I’ll address this again in future posts, but today I want to talk about healing. Real, permanent (yet ongoing) and radical healing. I believe that it is possible, and I believe that, at least for me, emotional healing from past junk is a really significant aspect of the transformation process.
For the first time in a while, I am being very proactive about healing. I’ve realized that I am just plain TIRED of my anxiety ridden perfectionism, tired of the cynism that creeps into my heart and before long into my conversation. I am tired of the sneaking suspicion that even when I am “calm” I am running at a higher level of stress than I am supposed to.
And I am tired of being angry. I am so tired of being angry. This is really where I am right now. Admitting to, owning, and addressing the anger. Trusting that God can handle it, that He can reconcile the injustices and heal my heart. It’s not easy.
It’s not easy because my issues are with the Church. There. It’s out there. I am mind numbingly, bitterly, vengefully angry with the Church.
Coming from my paradigm there are so many things wrong with the previous paragraph that I can’t even begin to unpack them all. I am a “good Christian girl.” I can not possibly hate. It is unthinkable for me to harbor revenge fantasies, and admitting to even questioning the Church, much less the seething anger I feel toward it, feels like betrayal. It’s like giving up the long protected secret hidden by one’s family.
The reality is that years and years of hurtful moments, words, and injustices by pastors and church leaders have led me to disillusionment, disdain, and a very deep mistrust. It has also led to vigilant self-protection and a struggle to allow God to invade and inhabit my life. It’s left me with a mess.
I understand why people turn their backs on the church, believing it is an institution focused on money, power, and control. I really, deep in my heart, get that. I even understand why they turn their backs on Jesus. Are these people not supposed to be his representatives in the world? His hands, His feet, His love? I am thankful that I have not come to this place…that God has somehow protected me from complete abandonment of my faith…but I understand.
So here I am facing this realization…facing the reality that these long held hurts really are affecting me…affecting my day to day interactions, my lack of a church community, and my relationship with God, and I’m done. I’m just done with this. I want healing. I’m asked God for and am expecting healing. I know it won’t be instantaneous, but I know with all my heart that it is coming. And this…this post…is part of the process.
He’s asked me to write it out. Don’t ask how, sometimes you just know, and I know that putting it all down, processing it piece by piece, and asking, no, expecting to hear from Him along the way, is part of my healing journey. So here I go. Sola Dei Gloria.
